Well, That Sucked.

So today I learned that a possible Hamline student may be reading this blog. If you are reading this, Potential Piper, I would like to give you some advice (if you aren't, that is OK too): Make your own friends, especially if someone you know is attending Hamline as well. I don't mean: NEVER spend time with the other person who is coming to college with you; just hang out with a bunch of different people - don't just stick with one group. That was the mistake I made. Just wanted to put that out there.
Within the last few hours, I haven't been very smart. I tried to ignore my old friends as I walked by them on my way to dinner, but when dinner is outside and they begin to call your name, it isn't easily done. It's impossible, actually. And then there is the internal dialogue while all this is happening:
"I should stop holding a grudge against these people. It's been at LEAST half a year. I feel like I am just dragging my feet."
"But they never apologized. Or rather that one person who sounded like they were talking for the whole group never apologized. (But they all should.)"
"Yes, but now they are acting like nothing happened.  WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???"
My problem is that I don't really want to stir things up by saying: 'Why were you such a jerk?' because I don't like conflict, and I wonder if they still are on my old roommate's side. If they are, then things would just explode all over again.
I also saw my old roommate's boyfriend again. The last time I talked to him I thought he was mad at me due to the fact that he got the backlash of my issues. But I waved at him today and talked to him at dinner, but the worst part of today was the fact that I left him, I LEFT the one person who was nice and didn't blow up at me (or wasn't part of the group who said "you suck"), to go and sit with the people who DID say I sucked. I did this because I didn't want to hold a grudge. But really I just got right back into the groove of being silent and uncomfortable and I treated the nice person exactly the way that the other people treated me. So really, how does that make me any better than them? This past Sunday, we had a guest speaker preach at my church, and her sermon was all about doing the right thing rather than what was easy or what you wanted to do. I am absolutely kicking myself for going back to the people who hurt me rather than staying and talking to the one who is actually nice. It sounds like being a woman who keeps going back to an abusive husband. Why did I do that? I feel really bad for leaving my old roommate's boyfriend in the dust. What I was thinking was that I didn't want the other people to think that I was mad at them, but I am, so what the heck is wrong with me? I shouldn't be that afraid of conflict that I end up hurting others.
I am going to make tomorrow better.